It was the happiest day of my life. I had never saw two lines before. The weight loss and lifestyle changes had paid off for something meaningful. I couldn’t believe that I had to at least be 8 weeks and I had no clue. My life was about to change forever and excitement filled my heart. We were only months from eloping and the stars had aligned.
Although excited there was one daunting thing I didn’t want to think about, the bleeding.
Before my positive test , I had cramping and bleeding and even passed a clot. But at this moment as I sat in the bathroom at work I had figured out what was wrong with me and it was good news.
A few weeks before my sister told me that I was pregnant. I ignored her and thought she was mistaken. I was 26 and I have never been pregnant and my periods were irregular. So you know I didn’t listen to her. You should always listen to elders even if it is only 3 years older.
After finding out I was pregnant I sent my fiancé a picture he was so estatic about this. we told a few people, more than I originally thought we would but excitement always wins in these matters. I scheduled my first appointment and fantasized about how my life would change.
I had an appointment scheduled for 1/15/2016 to confirm the pregnancy and possibly have an ultrasound. When we got there they did the usual pre screens. They checked my vital signs, took a history and a pregnancy test. I knew at this point my test were still positive as I confirmed it at a free clinic the weekend before. We were placed in a room with no instructions and this is when things got weird. First the technician came and asked for my confirmation of pregnancy. I pulled the wrinkled piece of paper out of my purse, and gave it to her. My first thought was is everything okay. I went into panic mode because I work in the healthcare field and I know that there was no need for this unless something was wrong. I sat down, impatiently waiting on someone to enter the room. Finally after what seems like forever, the nurse practitioner came in. She looked at me and said your test was negative. Negative?
I was lost and hurt, and I had two choices fight or flight. So I fought I bombarded her with questions
Why do I have symptoms?
Why can I smell everything?
Did I make this up?
Before she can fully answer my questions, I chose to flighted. I cried. I wanted everyone out of the room. I had lost my child that I never met. I had made so many plans and like a baby being torn from their mother’s breast, she was gone.Those two lines that once bought excitement were like a dream that never came true.
How can I now face the world or my family. One of the hardest things at this time was both of my sisters were pregnant. We should be getting ready to plan shared baby showers and shared birthday parties. Instead I was in mourning. I mourned for her, in my heart that was Aniyah. Her name was picked out for about a year at this point and it means “God’s Gift or “God has shown favor”. With Aniyah God has done just this. He gave the greatest gift of all a child. I know when the stars align again we will be fully ready.
Although my miscarriage was a year ago I think about my babies(I had two, maybe a later post) a lot as well as the ones that will come and actually grow up with me. I like to think Aniyah and her brother are protecting their parents. I started this blog to really channel my emotions and to share with women who have been though this. I also want to share my journey of trying to conceive, fun stuff.
Tell me what is your experiences with miscarriages either yours or someone else. I think an interesting perspective is men and family members. friends of those who miscarry. Tell me all about it. Talk to you soon.